


Shattered heart

by october_lady



Category: Morrilla - Fandom, Once Upon a Time RPF
Genre: Angst, Crying, F/F, Fluff, Suicide Attempt, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-05 23:06:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5393645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/october_lady/pseuds/october_lady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And was love worth dying for? Was it worth it, to die because of a broken heart? Is it a valid cause of death? Did she really want to end her life?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shattered heart

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write something sad. Because I was sad. This was not really planned. I don't know how that happened. Don't hate me (much).
> 
> I'm sorry if there are mistakes or it doesn't makes sense, I can hardly see. I'm really tired.
> 
> But please, let me know what you think, I always appreciate all your feedback!

Lana was sitting on the floor of her kitchen. Her mascara and eyeliner were smudged over her face, tears running down her cheeks. She was just staring at the opposite wall, into nothingness, holding a bottle of medicaments in one hand and her phone in the other hand, completely lost in her memories and the pain they brought.

She didn’t even dare to think about anything that happened. The last year and half seemed like the highlight of her life, like the best time, like a fantasy coming to life.

_Of course she had known the blonde before they met. She saw her on some shows but never really paid attention to her because blondes were never her thing. Never is the right word. They always seemed like Barbies to her, long blonde hair falling down their backs, fitting dresses and high heels. Especially in her work area._

If anyone told her she would be crying because of a blonde, broken on her kitchen floor, not able to move, she would laugh. She would laugh so hard that she would probably cry from that.

_And then they met. Lana knew the very first moment that this blonde was different. The moment Jen reached out her hand to shake the brunette’s when she said “Hello, my name is Jennifer Morrison and I play Emma, nice to meet you,” in that moment Lana was lost. She smiled and introduced herself as well._

_They didn’t become friends right away. That took a few months. Lana was watching her with the corner of her eyes and whenever Jen caught her, she smiled at her and the blonde did the same._

_After a few weeks Lana caught the blonde looking at her too. That encouraged her to try to talk to the blonde more, to finally allow herself to try to get to know her. She suggested more rehearsing. They had quite many scenes together which meant lots of time together._

_All the checking each other out and random touches could only lead to one thing. They stayed on the set late to rehears a scene where Regina was tied up to a tree and Emma was holding her around her neck. They did it many times because neither of them seemed to me satisfied with how it went. A few weeks later they both admitted that the reason was not entirely true. Jen’s fingers were sliding over Lana’s neck softly, sending shivers into her whole body.  Lana fell out of her character a couple times, shooting her hand up to grab Jen’s, finally revealing she’s scaring her a little._

_And so Jen tried to make Lana feel safe. They talked more about the scene itself and next time the blonde put her hand around the brunette’s neck, she also put her other hand on her shoulder to sooth her down. And Lana stared up at her with her big eyes, not saying anything, breathing deeply. Jen let go off her suddenly and turned around, running her hand through her hair._

_“Are you okay?” Lana stepped closer and put her arm around her._

_“Yes, yes I am, I just… need a break I think.” She took a deep breath before she turned around and faced the brunette._

_“Do you?” Lana smiled at her innocently, genuine concern in her voice._

_“No,” Jen breathed out and there were sparkles in her eyes._

_“So what do you need?”_

_“You.” And with that, the blonde pinned her against the wall again, kissing her wildly._

Hot tears were dropping down on her shirt, leaving wet spots. She didn’t notice. She didn’t even realize she was shivering. She zoomed out completely, out of her own being. The only thing she felt was the pain, never going away, hurting and clenching her heart, preventing her from doing anything.

You.

That one word resonated in her head, over and over again. Jen needed her. Needed. She doesn’t need her anymore. She doesn’t want her anymore. Did she ever really want her?

_That night changed her life. Not much happened and yet so much did. They kissed. They kissed a lot. And somewhere between hot kisses Lana admitted that she imagined what it would be like to kiss the blonde. They found out they both dreamed about it, about more than just a kiss and suddenly it felt wrong to have sex there against a wall of a studio._

Lana took several quick deep breaths. She was leaning against the kitchen cupboard just like she was leaning against the wall of the studio that night.

_It was a little bit strange but they decided to leave it for another night. Now that they both knew how they felt about each other, about each other’s body, it would only build up the tension even more._

_But they got both stuck at work late the next few days, not being able to find a free evening._

_And then Lana suggested it. To just go for a coffee._

_“Like a date?”_

_“Like a coffee. Just coffee between two friends. Nothing more.”_

_“Ah. I hoped you were asking me out.” Jen pulled a sad face, overacting it just a little bit._

_Lana looked at her for a few seconds, waiting for the blonde to start laughing, saying it was just a joke. But she didn’t._

_“Okay. Jennifer, would you like to go out with me? I’ll buy you coffee.”_

_And so they went on their very first date. It was so much different from what they were experiencing for the last few years. Nothing fancy. No dinner in an expensive restaurant, no limousine. Just coffee at Starbucks like teenagers._

Lana finally realized where she was when her phone buzzed. She looked at it and focused on the letters that blurred because of her tears.

“What do you mean, bye?”

Oh Jen.

I mean exactly what I’m saying. Bye means bye.

Which was basically her last text to the blonde just a few minutes ago.

“Good bye, Jen.”

She tightened her hold on the medicaments’ bottle.

_It wasn’t their last date. And it wasn’t even a date that ended with sex. They said their shy goodbyes and put just a quick peck on their lips._

_Their first time wasn’t planned. They were on a date at a Zoo. They were having a great time and they decided that they were not letting the bad weather ruin it when it started raining. An hour later, they were completely soaked. Lana lived closer so she offered Jen to come to her place to dry off._

_They were laughing and fooling around and they were having a pillow battle on the floor of Lana’s living room. Jen was relaxed like never before, laughing, chasing Lana with two pillows, tickling her. She later admitted that it was because no one could see them._

_Lana thought she was absolutely adorable, especially with her wet hair, no make up and her old flannel shirt reaching just under her butt._

_And then it happened. It wasn’t like their first kiss, wild and passionate, full of sexual frustration. No. It was soft and gentle and they both took time with exploring the other one’s body, trying to touch or kiss every inch of the skin._

_They made love, there on a blanket spread on the living room’s floor of Lana’s house, with hot chocolate smelling in the air and late afternoon’s sunshine rays warming up their bodies through the window._

_They were officially in a relationship._

Lana opened the bottle with medicaments and tossed them on her palm. It’s been hours since she ended up on the floor, probably even hours since she got Jen’s answer to her goodbye. But she wasn’t realizing the flow of time.

_It wasn’t really official. It was official for them. But a huge secret for everyone else. No one could know. No one. Jen didn’t want people to know. Not even their friends._

_It was fun, at first, sneaking around, stealing kisses and minutes, going on secret dates where no one could see them. The moments spent together were more precious and valuable._

_But then it stopped being enough. At least for Lana. Lana wanted more, she wanted a real relationship. And so she started to push the blonde into coming out. They talked about it, they argued. Lana cried and begged. Jen shouted and slammed door._

_And then it happened. They were fighting again. It was ugly. It’s been months since they first talked about it but there was no change. The blonde wasn’t able to explain why she so much didn’t want people to know about their relationship. Two days ago Lana asked her about possible options why it might be, why the blonde might not want people to know about them. And the blonde burst out. Her irrational anger got the best of her and she shouted._

Lana put one of the pills into her mouth swallowed.

_“You just push me into things all the time, you push me into coming out when clearly I don’t want to, it’s destroying me, you are destroying me! You are making me something I’m not, you are making me gay!”_

Lana swallowed another pill, ignoring the buzzing phone on the floor.

_Jen’s monologue was much longer. There were many more things said, mean things. And then she left. She ended it, saying it’s going to be like it never happened. Her eyes were cold blue, shooting arrows._

_Lana begged her not to leave, she begged her to talk about it, she begged her not to end their relationship._

_But the blonde didn’t listen and ran out of the house with tears in her own eyes._

Her name was now constantly appearing on Lana’s phone. The brunette felt a wave of anger and threw the phone across the room. The ringing stopped. She leaned against the cupboards again, satisfied with the silence.

The pills got spilled all over the place with the sudden rushed movement. She started to pick them up slowly, placing them into her palm again.

The silence was cut short with a long doorbell ring.

She ignored it and concentrated on her pills.

How many does she have to take? And how long is it going to take for them to work?

“Lana? Lana where are you?!” Suddenly Jen’s voice sounded through the house.

The brunette froze. Are they working yet? Is this a dream? Is it a memory?

The kitchen door flew open. The blonde stopped for just a second and then ran to the brunette half sitting, half lying on the floor.

“Lana! Lana, please stop!” Her voice broke, there were tears in her eyes.

The brunette looked at her, or maybe through her.

“Is this a dream?”

“No, Lana, this is not a dream, please, listen to me!” Jen fell on her knees next to her and grabbed all the pills. She threw them way, everywhere, just far away from the brunette.

“How many did you take?” She was desperate, scared, scared like she had never been before.

“Why do you care? You want to have nothing to do with me anyway.” Lana wanted to sound uninterested but when she looked away, there were new tears in her eyes.

“I lied! I lied because I was scared! Please, Lana, how many did you take?” Jen was shaking her, trying to get an answer from her, trying to do something, trying not to cry.

“Just two.”

The blonde breathed out and tears started to run down her face. She was shaking.

“Why? Why did you do it?”

“I love you. I love you with my whole heart, with my whole being. You are my everything. And you said horrible things, you said you didn’t want to be with me, you said I made you gay and you never were gay. You hurt me. I can’t be without you, I don’t want to be without you!” She cried out the last sentence. It was the first time she ever screamed at the blonde. “You hurt me. It hurts so much I can physically feel it. I can feel the pain of my broken heart, do you hear me?!” She went from whispering to shouting again, finishing silently again.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean… I mean…” Jen was sobbing while she threw herself on Lana, hugging her tightly. “I was scared. I’m still scared. I’m scared of coming out, I’m scared of the world. I was scared of admitting it, I was scared you would laugh at me, I was scared you would break up with me. I’m scared everyone would hate me, that they would be disgusted by me. But more than anything, I am scared of losing you. These two days without you were the worst I can remember. And when you sent me the text… I couldn’t breathe. I was so afraid, so scared I would never see you again, that I would never hear your laugh, see your beautiful eyes, that I would never hold your hand again… That scared me more than anything. I was so stupid, Lana, I’m so sorry!”

They were hugging each other, Jen was sobbing, not caring about anything else than Lana being alive. Lana was crying silently, hot tears running down her face, not having any strength left after the two days of pain and crying.

“You hurt me…” Lana dug her nails into the blonde’s shoulders. She wanted to punch her and push her away but also never let her go. Despite the huge argument, Jen’s arms still meant home to her.

“I know. And I can’t even say how sorry I am. I’ll never forgive myself. But please, please, let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about everything. I don’t want to lose you… in any way. I… will understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore, if you don’t want to see me again. But I need to explain myself, I need you to know why I said what I did. All my fears of coming out are nothing in comparison to how scared I am of you giving up on your life.”

Lana relaxed into the hold, allowing herself to feel all the emotions, allowing herself to enjoy Jen’s touch, to be held.

“I love you.” Lana sat up and looked into Jen’s wet eyes.

“I love you too. Please, let me take care of you now, then you can decide about us…” the blonde whispered, desperate, trying not to beg.

The brunette looked at her again, trying to find answers in her eyes. She saw pain. Horrible pain. Pain caused by her. Probably pain as hurtful as hers.

What happened to them that they were hurting each other? That they were hurting? What did they do wrong? Could she listen more, read between the lines? She should have known how much panic a simple coming out was causing to her girlfriend.

On the other hand, Jen should have told her. They trusted each other with the most secret secrets. Why not with this one?

And was love worth dying for? Was it worth it, to die because of a broken heart? Is it a valid cause of death? Did she really want to end her life?

It all seemed so unreal now while she was thinking about it in the blonde’s arms.

“Okay,” she smiled. She smiled at the blonde because she was still the love of her life and she still wanted her in her life. She knew it wouldn’t be easy. They had some issues to work out.

Maybe she was crazy. But the fact that the blonde found her, that she found her before she had time to really hurt herself, that meant something to her.

“Thank you,” Jen smiled into the sobs.

And so they were sitting there on the kitchen floor of Lana’s house, late sunshine ray’s caressing them with its touch, hugging each other and soaking each other with tears but they didn’t care.

They didn’t care because they experienced the biggest fear and pain of their lives but found comfort in each other.


End file.
